Thursday, December 24, 2009, 1400 Hrs.

I was too sensitivity for this job.

My sensitivity often got mistaken for weakness and not appreciated by fellow officers. I’ve always been Idealistic and a loner, and for the most part I’ve managed throughout my career to avoid the department’s politics and scandals. But now, this kid, Grogan, is really pissing me off.

He thinks I’m a fossil and is trying to force him into retirement.

I keep thinking about that scene from “High Noon,” Lloyd Bridges telling Gary Cooper why he wouldn’t be a deputy to fight Frank Miller.

“It’s all for nothing, Will. It’s all for nothing.”

I didn’t love the job, but it was all I had.

For most of my life, I’ve been in denial about that simple fact. I thought he could give the job up without dying.

I used to journal to try and make sense of all the shit I experienced at work.

My red journals

I don’t journal much anymore — don’t know what to write?

I just see these young cops with their fresh faces and families.

… What does it say about me?

I’ve been thinking a lot about Denny Wayland lately. He died back in 1975. He had four young kids. One of whom, Roberta, is a Lieutenant over at Ingleside Station. I remember visiting him as he lay dying in a hospital bed of testicular cancer at age 33.

“There is nothing more tangible than the present moment,” he told me.

Wayland then tapped his heart with his fist and said, “What you’re hoping to find ‘out there’ Phil, is already within you.”

The uniform helped me get by, but it also hurt me.

I paid a terrible price my personal happiness, trying to avoid pain, controversy and embarrassment. Not many people really know me well.

I didn’t fear intimacy; I just saw that there were two sides to it. Intimacy could be a “b..a..l..m” to warm my heart … but if I revealed myself to the wrong people, intimacy could be a, “b..o..m..b” they could use to blow my heart apart.

“Zip the lip” was one of the first things I learned in this business.

Taking a bullet in the face is a manly way to die.

That little shit Grogan will see that Phil McManus has some balls and is a man of dignity, inner strength and courage. Besides everyone will know Grogan is to blame and having my blood on his hand will taint his career forever.

I can do this.

It’s time. I’m 59.