Sunday March 6, 1983
Leslie touches my heart.
I love her kids. Her daughter Michele is four and looks just like her. Paul is two and looks like her-ex. We’ve taken the kids out — and Paul likes me. Michele is a little stand-offish.
It’s there if I want it. Leslie wants it real bad….scary bad, and she’s putting everything into it, so she’s hard to resist. The sex is wild and incredibly passionate. She even knows about my pantyhose fantasy and always wears my favorite shade. So I admit — I just get blinded by lust sometimes.
Tonight was one of those times. When we finished … I almost asked her to marry me.
That’s why I’m an asshole.
I’m lying there on the beanbag chair with her cuddled in tight next to me. I got my hand on her boob, looking out at the lights of The City.
Four people can’t live in this apartment. I can’t give it up. I thought about it, though: I could sell 23rd Avenue and probably get $150,000 for it now. Her place is probably $100,000. We have a kid together. Now we got three. Her sister is going to split. So Leslie is going to have to stay home and raise them.
We’re going to need more money.
So, now I going to have to take and pass the Q-50 Sergeant test to make enough money to be comfortable. And besides, the way the SFPD is right now, I don’t want to be a supervisor dealing with all this shit.
My big thing with the SFPD is I don’t want to waste my life doing something I don’t really care about. I want to travel. I want to go back to Monaco. I want to watch more Formula One racing in Europe. I want to find a job I can feel passionate about and feel proud of — not one that’s always kicking my ass.
I want to see what I can really accomplish in life.
I want to have a nice house, a nice car and a happy life and a child of my own.
But my mother’s advice is in my head:
“Don’t get your hopes up, Phil. Soon as things go good—they go bad.”
What happens when the glow comes off Leslie?
What happens when she stops wearing pantyhose to please me because they’re uncomfortable?
What if we really can’t stand each other? She gets half of everything I own in the no-fault settlement. And then, just like that, I’m like every other asshole in the station house—I’m a bitter old man with just myself to blame.
The problem is I know—deep in my heart I’m never going to find a situation as good as this one and a woman as nice as Leslie.
But what can I say?
I’m an asshole.
I’m selfish and I don’t feel good about myself.
But I’m afraid to change that.